Season Preview 2016 – Newcastle Knights

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Newcastle KnightsI’m not one to condone violence, but the only chance the Knights have of succeeding in 2016 is for Nathan Brown to start slapping some people. Sure, Brown was contrite about the 2005 incident when at the helm of the Dragons and said he’d never commit such an act again, but let’s take a minute to look at the results of the players on the sideline during the slap. The main recipient Trent Barrett is now a first grade coach in his own right. Lance Thompson now runs a successful restaurant. Brett Firman…well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad. The slap gets results!

So Nathan let’s look at some potential slap-ee candidates:

  • Korbin Sims: Not Ashton. Not Tariq. Strangely pledged his allegiance to Queensland despite being from the NSW South Coast and/or Fiji. Slap.
  • Tariq Sims: Not Ashton. Not Ruan. Slap.
  • James McManus: Out for the season with concussion issues. DON’T SLAP!
  • The 3 Mata’utia Brothers: Tell them to come up with a uniform pronunciation of their surname. Line them up in a row and do the old sliding slap.
  • Pauli Pauli: If new recruit Pauli Pauli is playing poorly: Slap.
  • Jake Mamo: Put on an Ipswich Jets shirt, say your name is Billy McConnachie and slap him.
  • Jeremy Smith: He’s a mean lookin’ bloke. Best NOT TO SLAP.
  • Nathan Ross: Late for training because he’s been working as an OH&S officer. Slap.
  • Trent Hodkinson: Not playing to his potential? Just don’t like his beady eyes? Just go ahead and slap him.
  • Jarrod Mullen: Not playing to his potential? What happened to the last 5/8 you slapped? Do it.
  • Dane Gagai: Shirking his responsibilities in defence. Slap.
  • Sam Mataora: Ate Tyler Randall. Slap.
  • Tyler Randall: Slap Sam Mataora’s belly.
  • Kade Snowden: Misses one game all season. Slap.
  • Akuila Uate: Doesn’t know whether to rock the Danny Glover hair or that weird Mohawk. Put Nair on your hands and slap him.

So that’s a good starting point for you Nathan. You may encounter some resistance from club officials and if so you should slap CEO Matt Gidley in the face and then get on a plane to Warrington and slap Kurt as well. If the NRL try to step in, drive down to ARLC headquarters at Moore Park and slap John Grant. Track down whatever tropical island Dave Smith has retired to and guess what…slap him. For good measure slap David Gallop at the FFA as well.

Trust me. If you don’t make your team red in the face, they will be left red faced in 2016.

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